I finally let go

Looking at him today from far away, I realized that I have finally let him go, for him to find his own happiness, even though that happiness does not include me

So now it's time that I too start my travel to my own happiness, bye my friend! till we meet again :)

For Good - from the play "Wicked"

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those
who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me is made
of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Dedicated to the people in my life who unexpectedly changed my life for the better...

Teacher! Teacher!

They say that being a teacher is one of the noblest professions, mainly because of the ability of a teacher to significantly influence a student’s life. A good example is a Greek philosopher known as Socrates who felt a strong calling to teach the youth of his days. Self-knowledge was his ideal, “Know thyself, ” as he would always tell his students, instructing them to lead nobler moral lives. He argued that no man is willingly bad, thus he always believed in the potential of every person. With passion and perseverance, Socrates taught anyone who would listen, among them Plato, who eventually became a great philosopher and writer. After Socrates’ death, Plato established the Academy, a school for the future leaders of Athens, Greece, passing on the legacy of his beloved teacher.

Unfortunately I have not known about Socrates and his passion for teaching during my youth. As a little child, when asked what I would want to become when I grow up, I would always say, “I will not be a teacher”, complete with a determined frown and stance. Coming from a family of teachers, from my mother to several of my cousins, I found it boring and uncreative to follow their footsteps. I thought to myself, “Anyhow, I am shy so how can I ever become a teacher?”

In high school, I found my niche in Science, thus taking up BS Chemistry in college. I pictured myself in a laboratory, dressed in a white lab gown, complete with the funky goggles, and happy in my isolated world of chemicals and fumes. Graduation time came and while preparing for the board exams, I searched for a career which will give me flexibility and a reasonable income. Ironically, teaching as a laboratory instructor in the university where I graduated, offered the best possible solution.

So there I was, the child who swore that she would never become a teacher, facing twenty students of roughly the same age as I am, clueless as to what they are expecting of me as an instructor. Unwillingly at first, I took on the challenge, first of convincing myself that I really am now a teacher and second, that I would be a teacher who would make a difference.

On my first class, dressed as a student, I sat on the back of the classroom until it was full. About ten minutes after, with the class wondering whether their teacher will be coming or not, I stood up and greeted them “Good Morning.” All of them were shocked, especially the student who asked me if I knew who the teacher would be for that subject. That incident was a great jumpstart for my teaching career, helping me to realize that I can only be an effective teacher by being humble enough to go down to the level of my students.

Surprisingly and gradually I came to appreciate the art of teaching. I was challenged by the different learning patterns of my students, especially when it comes to an old science like Chemistry. If you think that Chemistry is hard to understand, then try teaching it. I had to learn painfully that not all my students will appreciate the subject, but still, I tried, showing them that there is Chemistry all around us, in our homes, in the food that we eat and in the water that we drink. Though it was taxing to be reviewing everyday for my lessons and afterwards burdensome to check gazillions of exam papers, I pressed on and found myself loving and enjoying my work as a teacher for three full years.

So now you may ask, if I truly enjoyed teaching, why did I leave it all behind to work somewhere else? My answer to that question is simple, after three years of being an educator, I realized that I need more education myself. That in order for me to share my knowledge and change lives, I have to go out into the world and experience life outside the university. On days when I miss my students and my first career, I would recall an answer from one of my bonus exam questions which is, what can you say about your teacher? A dear student of mine said, “That she has not only taught us about Chemistry, but most importantly she taught us how to share ourselves with others.” I hope that as a teacher and in my own small way, I have contributed to the life of someone else like Socrates did and helped shaped a future “Plato” of this generation.

(PS - I wrote this 4 minute 30 second speech for a public speaking class)

Love and Sacrifice

Can you love without getting hurt?

Can you smile while you are bleeding?

Can you hide all that is hurting INSIDE, deep inside where no one can see and feel it?

Can you go on loving if PAIN is all that you feel?

Can you ever be HAPPY if you know that you have given all that you can yet it is not enough?

Yes, pain, suffering and sacrifice are all part of loving... but then God taught us the two greatest commandments - 1) Love GOD with all your heart, body and mind, 2) Love one another as I have loved you

If the love that you have now is pure and true, it shall be GOD-centered, yes you may have to do certain sacrifices but it should ultimately be done to serve God and the person you love

But if you are hurting because of selfishness of the other party or because you feel oppressed, abandoned or ignored, then it is not rightful sacrifice, it is unjust love

Think, reflect and decide if the love that you have right now is WORTH the sacrifice :)

Who Am I?

WHO AM I?

You know these days, I ask myself this question a lot

In the thousand times that I have repeated it in my head, I realized that I am indeed lost, lost not only in my ways but in the way I view myself

Why am I lost? I am lost because I lost a lot of people in my life and I have defined myself by them:

I lost my dad... to his depression
I lost my mom... to her high expectations
I lost my friends... to our own lives that we have to face
I lost my best friend... to circumstances which makes it easier for us to be apart
I lost someone special...to his ambition and selfishness

But most of all I lost MYSELF - I feel lonely, trapped, unworthy and unloved

And so I drifted away from everyone, from my books, from my journal, from my exercise regimen, from my dreams, from HAPPINESS

In the silence of it all, that's when I heard his voice:

I LOVE YOU
I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU
YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE MY CHILD
CRY INTO MY ARMS

I realized that He wanted to place me in this moment, when I don't have anything but HIM and then he will carry me into His arms to tell me the truth...

WHO AM I by Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..

Today as I write this entry, I still have not fully recovered from my depression but slowly with God's embrace I know that I AM HIS and for that I shall not fear

“Like dissolves like”

Anyone who has taken chemistry in high school or college will recognize this famous phrase, an explanation of why oil doesn’t mix with water and why certain substances may dissolve in oil but not in water and vice versa. As defined, the process involved here is DISSOLUTION and the components are called SOLUTE (substance dissolved) and SOLVENT (substance which dissolves).

Before you completely ignore this entry, I will explain why I am talking about Chemistry, it is because this phrase may apply to more than an experiment, to something deeper than chemistry…

Thinking about this phrase a while ago, while chatting with a good friend of mine (Hi Arnie!!!), I realized that it’s similar to my experience with relationships… that all relationships especially with people I care deeply about involve some kind of DISSOLUTION.

As they say, there are always two sides in a coin and you can’t choose to get only one side, you always get both, the same is true for relationships. Love involves both joy and sorrow, happiness and loneliness, laughter and tears. But even if you can’t avoid getting hurt, you can choose the SOLVENT in which the SOLUTE will dissolve effectively. I realized that when applied to our emotions, we can choose to have a sweet and happy disposition in dealing with others, in the process attracting positive emotions and response from them. At the same time, we only permit happy and sweet experiences to dissolve in our minds and hearts. Thus, the pain and sorrow becomes ‘insoluble’ and can soon be forgotten and forgiven… Don’t you agree? I am sure all the chemists out there will nod their heads since it makes perfect sense when applied to a theory proven long ago to be true. I hope all the non-chemists will slowly think about it and realize that indeed Chemistry is universal and truly we are the masters of our own emotions and fate, Good Day!

My Struggle...My Success...

Before and after...

I struggled with my weight from the age of 11 years old, which is the onset of my puberty years. From Grade 5 to College, I weighed from a range of 120 to 145 lbs. It was not really a battle with food, though sometimes it is, especially when I am depressed, but it's more of inactivity. I refuse to move, I am what you would fondly call the couch-potato, my hobbies include watching TV and reading books which are both done sitting down. Physical implications included my weak knees due to excessive weight load on my knees and slow movements particularly during our Physical Education (PE) classes.

More than physical, it became an emotional issue for me. For a teenager having a weight like mine and coming from an average-income family, studying in an exclusive girls school was both an advantage and disadvantage. It was an advantage because I was not exposed to rejection from boys... since there were no boys at all. It was a disadvantage since I have to spend my time and make friends with mostly rich and pretty girls. It crushed my self-worth and confidence, making me feel inferior in all aspects but one, my ability to study well and excel in certain subjects like Math and Science. I focused all of my energies into studying and excelling so that I can prove to everyone that I am good, that I am intelligent, that I am superior though I really feel small and crumpled inside. I also avoided all proms, balls, soirees and any event that has to do with boys to spare myself from shame and humiliation.

What's worse was that people around me, especially my family constantly compared me to my "thin" and more intelligent sister. My sister and I also have different personalities, she being driven, brave and upfront, me being complacent, shy and aloof. Our differences in attitude and physical appearance drove us farther away from each other... leaving me alone and dejected in my miseries.

In college,my motivation was still to propel myself intellectually, however I began to realize that despite of my weight, people in my organization listen to what I have to say, I felt that they valued me more than I valued myself, that they respected my views and they actually followed me as their leader. I came out of my shell in terms of leadership and in discovering my other talents such as organizing and singing. But in terms of my weight, I was even heavier back in college since my happiness and contentment fueled my appetite. Since we were allowed to choose our PE classes, I avoided physical activity to avoid embarrassing myself -- I took Chess, Bowling and Weight Lifting (it required lifting of weights, not necessarily cardio exercises). And of course, though there were boys, they were all just good friends. I had crushes but I knew that they would not even consider to love a 145-lb girl like me.

In 2002, I began my teaching career and that was when I felt the pressure to look good since I was the STAR in my classes. One time, a class of mine decided to take a class picture and they promised to give me a copy. When I received the picture, I was not happy at all, I looked enormous, unattractive and unhappy... The biggest turning point was when I went to a sale in a department store which burned a section of its building. Since their merchandise was affected by the fire, they decided to sell everything at super low prices. I went there with my mom and sister armed with a sufficient budget, but low and behold I was not able to buy anything... why? nothing would fit me :( I almost broke down in tears inside the fitting room, reliving all of the oppression that I felt as an overweight child, as a chubby lady and as an insecure person.

So I decided to change my life... I regulated my food, primarily reducing my carbohydrates and sweets. I WALKED endlessly, feeling the weight sliding off with each bead of sweat. I walked around UP, enjoying nature and taking the time to converse with myself and with my creator. Sharing my pain and sorrows with him until I am cleansed from my self-oppression and low self-esteem. I thank God for the motivation, discipline and strength that he has given me to achieve my goal.

Now, I have a healthy weight, not really my ideal weight, but still I am happy. Over the years, I have learned to accept myself, defects and all. The person whom I considered as my biggest rival for attention and for my parents' love, my one and only sister, has proven to be my very best friend and my confidante. She has shared the journey with me and has always encouraged me to do my best. It's true that I still struggle with my discipline to maintain my weight but I have my unbreakable conviction that I have to be healthy for my family, for myself and to serve as a model of God's constant work in each and everyone of us.